Happy Birthday Siya - 9 years!

Siya love - today you are 9! 

Everyone told me that it would go by quickly. They were so right. As I look upon you on this day, I am filled with awe. And while it may be right, it REALLY is true, my love for you grows stronger each passing day, you always find way to leave me awe struck. I am prouder than words can possibly express to call myself your mom. You are amazing and I want to take this opportunity to tell you and the world, why?

If "strong" was a human, her name would have been Siya

This year has not been a easy year for us. Mom dad went through a pretty rough phase (possibly the worst) this year, but you handled it all with such a fortitude and grace that it absolutely blow-ed me away. You refuse to allow limitations to stop you. Through it all you keep positive, can-do attitude. When we would flutter, you would calm us down and show us things from different perspective. You take those difficulties, internalize their lessons and continue on a stronger, better person.

With strength, you are really smart

And here, I don't mean you know things, I am sure there are many people who know things better than you but you exhibit wisdom and sense of responsibility far beyond your years. Its amazing to see you having a great understanding of the situations and people's action which is so uncommon from one so young. I have always been saying this but I will repeat again - you always teach me things and help others see the world from a much needed perspective.

Beauty is as beauty does

You are so beautiful my child, really gorgeous! Kind and thoughtful. Compassionate. You display deep empathy for people and surprisingly animals too. I mean for me you are like this "Hug Monkey", always loving to give hugs and do so freely(Jadu ki jhapi as Sanju baba would call it). You make friends (may be few of them) where ever you go. Your compassion and empathy drives you to share love with those who need it most. I really don't think you realize, but you show others what a difference an unconditional love can make.

You are really funny

You have these funny, weird, witty, jokes that you keep on cracking which makes you silly actually :-). Many a times, they don't make sense, but they cause you to get into greats fits of laughter. When that happens, that is THE single greatest sound that i hear on this earth. You also remind us of the importance of laughter. And how being silly can make the difficult stuff easier.

You are pretty intense

You have always been passionate, and shown intense interests. Hang in there girl, this will take you a long way. There have been times that you have also displayed strong emotions but we learn to balance your passionate side with your softer one and focus on your intensity to make a positive difference. These years you have been bombarded with walls, boundaries, stereotypes. All will try to change, shape you into what it thinks you should be, mold you to be "more like". Stay true to who you are. Hold onto it, trust in it and YOURSELF and don't let it crumble. Spread your wings and fly and you will graciously reach your dream some day. I love to watch you soar! Be you my sweet girl, Always. Just keep on being you! And if no one, there is surely going to be two people standing by you ALWAYS!

Happy Birthday my princesses and I look forward to all the adventures in the coming year!

Siya and her stories...

Was telling Siya Sachin's story today and told her that he started his career at the age of 11. Siya's immediate reply "Mom, I started learning at age of 4, will the country be proud of me also"

Small Eyes, Big Dreams!

Socially uncomfortable only because you different ?

It is not easy to be different from your social group and still continue to be a part of it, am I saying it well here? I am sure each one of us do experience this in more than one ways. I have dealt with people avoiding my company because of my differentness. And inspite of hassles that I would face, I would just choose to be the way I am because being some else would just not make me authentic. I am different in more ways than my social circle.

I am not really proud of any of these because I am pretty sure I am not the first one in any of them. In fact, I am more similar to people than being different. I get hurt, I fail, I get lost, I cry, I curse, I get angry, I can be bad - basically I am as imperfect as any human on this earth.

In any wedding I would attend, I feel really bored because I just have nothing to talk about. In fact I become like the participant in KBC where people are throwing questions and I need to answer them. And they could be questions like - what time do you come home, who takes care of Siya when you away, what does my mom feed her, etc etc. And to a great extent it is even my fault because I too have absolutely nothing to talk to them not only because I am aware that they cannot relate. I get teased, people judge me, people don't visit me and I generally turn out to be a point of gossip. That is just a start of it, but I am sure you getting the idea. So, I do feel isolated and lonely as well and will not deny from saying that.

When I was getting trained by Shaimak - I was in a batch of students who were half my age, all were either hot girls or handsome hunks :-). That time my instructor (Anupam) told me something - dancing rooms have mirrors not only because you can note your mistakes but also because you can look at yourself and EMBRACE YOURSELF.

I also saw this movie called "Guru" where there was this dialogue that he says "If people are talking about you, it means you are progressing." One should worry when you are not talked about ;-). Apart from that, I also see this as a perfect teaching opportunity for my sisters, Siya and others. I have a chance to set myself as an example only because I am different - isn't it?

Being different is who I am. I would like myself as well my daughter to live her life on her own terms, on her own values. That also mean that one has the courage to stand out among others. Doesn't that make you interesting as a personality. So, lets be proud of us. It was not easy for me but that is the only way I choose to live and not pretend. You can take your pick!

A interesting period of my life that I would like to share...

I always had this fear of being alone and trust me - I am not the only one. Most of us do feel the same. My support system has always been with me throughout by life thus far – family, partner, friends and specially the dance I like (I still so wish that Shaimak’s start in Singapore). I was so worried to take up my life without any help, or may be life without help for the fear of failure. There was this duration where I was absolutely alone and took me a good amount of time to be happy with myself. Just to avoid the feeling of being lonely, I would end up socializing endlessly (facebook and linkedin and emails have become my dashboard), eat so much that I have put on weight, roam about the malls, strive for company of office people (forgetting that they have a life of their own) because I felt these things are replacement for love and security. It took me a good bit of time to just see the positive side of being alone.

I painted a picture of bird flying in the sky gliding upwards. Yes, I visualized it as freeing myself (not that I was in a jail) but as an opportunity to grow, to get to know myself, to answer questions that I never had the time for, to introspect, to know what I am really capable of, to know what I think about myself.

I was travelling alone the FIRST time in my life to a new country – didn’t know what next was coming and would always think “I am so unprepared compared to the world”. I am very very bad in road directions – and here I was alone in new country not even knowing if my next step is the correct direction or not. Soon realized that there is fun in loosing way and finding one myself. Almost felt like a “winner” and the world was applauding for me. And soon I was OK to get LOST.

How would I manage all household chores – cooking, ironing, laundry, managing bills, etc etc. There was so much to remember all of a sudden. In the past I always had my partner or my dad doing it for me. Soon I became self-sufficient. When I went back to my home after this period, I realized that if I can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness.

There are so many other things – feeling comfortable with strangers, how to protect myself, how to be just aware of my surroundings, be sensitive to others POV and so many more things. It was a learning process, but I did become stronger. Was almost like experiencing how Siya would have felt when she was learning to walk!

I suddenly found time for everything that I have been not doing for years – dancing, reading, badminton, biking, etc etc. I had time to feel the air, to see myself in the mirror and actually knowing myself better!