A interesting period of my life that I would like to share...

I always had this fear of being alone and trust me - I am not the only one. Most of us do feel the same. My support system has always been with me throughout by life thus far – family, partner, friends and specially the dance I like (I still so wish that Shaimak’s start in Singapore). I was so worried to take up my life without any help, or may be life without help for the fear of failure. There was this duration where I was absolutely alone and took me a good amount of time to be happy with myself. Just to avoid the feeling of being lonely, I would end up socializing endlessly (facebook and linkedin and emails have become my dashboard), eat so much that I have put on weight, roam about the malls, strive for company of office people (forgetting that they have a life of their own) because I felt these things are replacement for love and security. It took me a good bit of time to just see the positive side of being alone.

I painted a picture of bird flying in the sky gliding upwards. Yes, I visualized it as freeing myself (not that I was in a jail) but as an opportunity to grow, to get to know myself, to answer questions that I never had the time for, to introspect, to know what I am really capable of, to know what I think about myself.

I was travelling alone the FIRST time in my life to a new country – didn’t know what next was coming and would always think “I am so unprepared compared to the world”. I am very very bad in road directions – and here I was alone in new country not even knowing if my next step is the correct direction or not. Soon realized that there is fun in loosing way and finding one myself. Almost felt like a “winner” and the world was applauding for me. And soon I was OK to get LOST.

How would I manage all household chores – cooking, ironing, laundry, managing bills, etc etc. There was so much to remember all of a sudden. In the past I always had my partner or my dad doing it for me. Soon I became self-sufficient. When I went back to my home after this period, I realized that if I can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness.

There are so many other things – feeling comfortable with strangers, how to protect myself, how to be just aware of my surroundings, be sensitive to others POV and so many more things. It was a learning process, but I did become stronger. Was almost like experiencing how Siya would have felt when she was learning to walk!

I suddenly found time for everything that I have been not doing for years – dancing, reading, badminton, biking, etc etc. I had time to feel the air, to see myself in the mirror and actually knowing myself better!