Siya and her stories...

Was telling Siya Sachin's story today and told her that he started his career at the age of 11. Siya's immediate reply "Mom, I started learning at age of 4, will the country be proud of me also"

Small Eyes, Big Dreams!

Socially uncomfortable only because you different ?

It is not easy to be different from your social group and still continue to be a part of it, am I saying it well here? I am sure each one of us do experience this in more than one ways. I have dealt with people avoiding my company because of my differentness. And inspite of hassles that I would face, I would just choose to be the way I am because being some else would just not make me authentic. I am different in more ways than my social circle.

I am not really proud of any of these because I am pretty sure I am not the first one in any of them. In fact, I am more similar to people than being different. I get hurt, I fail, I get lost, I cry, I curse, I get angry, I can be bad - basically I am as imperfect as any human on this earth.

In any wedding I would attend, I feel really bored because I just have nothing to talk about. In fact I become like the participant in KBC where people are throwing questions and I need to answer them. And they could be questions like - what time do you come home, who takes care of Siya when you away, what does my mom feed her, etc etc. And to a great extent it is even my fault because I too have absolutely nothing to talk to them not only because I am aware that they cannot relate. I get teased, people judge me, people don't visit me and I generally turn out to be a point of gossip. That is just a start of it, but I am sure you getting the idea. So, I do feel isolated and lonely as well and will not deny from saying that.

When I was getting trained by Shaimak - I was in a batch of students who were half my age, all were either hot girls or handsome hunks :-). That time my instructor (Anupam) told me something - dancing rooms have mirrors not only because you can note your mistakes but also because you can look at yourself and EMBRACE YOURSELF.

I also saw this movie called "Guru" where there was this dialogue that he says "If people are talking about you, it means you are progressing." One should worry when you are not talked about ;-). Apart from that, I also see this as a perfect teaching opportunity for my sisters, Siya and others. I have a chance to set myself as an example only because I am different - isn't it?

Being different is who I am. I would like myself as well my daughter to live her life on her own terms, on her own values. That also mean that one has the courage to stand out among others. Doesn't that make you interesting as a personality. So, lets be proud of us. It was not easy for me but that is the only way I choose to live and not pretend. You can take your pick!

A interesting period of my life that I would like to share...

I always had this fear of being alone and trust me - I am not the only one. Most of us do feel the same. My support system has always been with me throughout by life thus far – family, partner, friends and specially the dance I like (I still so wish that Shaimak’s start in Singapore). I was so worried to take up my life without any help, or may be life without help for the fear of failure. There was this duration where I was absolutely alone and took me a good amount of time to be happy with myself. Just to avoid the feeling of being lonely, I would end up socializing endlessly (facebook and linkedin and emails have become my dashboard), eat so much that I have put on weight, roam about the malls, strive for company of office people (forgetting that they have a life of their own) because I felt these things are replacement for love and security. It took me a good bit of time to just see the positive side of being alone.

I painted a picture of bird flying in the sky gliding upwards. Yes, I visualized it as freeing myself (not that I was in a jail) but as an opportunity to grow, to get to know myself, to answer questions that I never had the time for, to introspect, to know what I am really capable of, to know what I think about myself.

I was travelling alone the FIRST time in my life to a new country – didn’t know what next was coming and would always think “I am so unprepared compared to the world”. I am very very bad in road directions – and here I was alone in new country not even knowing if my next step is the correct direction or not. Soon realized that there is fun in loosing way and finding one myself. Almost felt like a “winner” and the world was applauding for me. And soon I was OK to get LOST.

How would I manage all household chores – cooking, ironing, laundry, managing bills, etc etc. There was so much to remember all of a sudden. In the past I always had my partner or my dad doing it for me. Soon I became self-sufficient. When I went back to my home after this period, I realized that if I can be self-sufficient, then relying on someone else is an act of strength, not of weakness.

There are so many other things – feeling comfortable with strangers, how to protect myself, how to be just aware of my surroundings, be sensitive to others POV and so many more things. It was a learning process, but I did become stronger. Was almost like experiencing how Siya would have felt when she was learning to walk!

I suddenly found time for everything that I have been not doing for years – dancing, reading, badminton, biking, etc etc. I had time to feel the air, to see myself in the mirror and actually knowing myself better!